Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
You Might Also Like
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*