Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
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My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.