The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
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Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
These work great until they don’t.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body