Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
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People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Wednesday
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S