Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
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boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
That 👊
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
LOOOOOOL
Beauty and the Beast
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes