Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…ππ€£πππ
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said βI donβt like bending down anymoreβ
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
How about daylight saves us for once
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
βGreyβs Anatomyβ but itβs told entirely through the lens of the hospitalβs HR department.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Future Headline:
βTrump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fenceβ
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
best first i’ve ever seen
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Things that donβt exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind canβt see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: Thereβs something wrong with your counting.
4: Thereβs something wrong with the dog.