Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
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If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I cannot stop laughing at this