I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
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“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Pretty certain I can more drunk
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it