I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
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[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
ibopfufen
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.