Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
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(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Is….Is this an option?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
In case you needed to hear it:
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.