“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
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Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon