[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
You Might Also Like
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Just say no
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..