I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound