And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
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As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
hi why am I like this
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?