Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
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Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Not today.. 😂
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
The best shot in the history of golf
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.