I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
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Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
awkward
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.