Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
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So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves