Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?