911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
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Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me