WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
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I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
he’s doing your taxes
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.