Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.