Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
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This device could predict incoming phone calls.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.