Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
they really do be looking like this
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.