UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
You Might Also Like
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Cashiers are always checking me out
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
so, is there a mister shapen head