Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
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Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.