Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
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My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.