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This is so me 😂😂
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Think I pulled my liver
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor: