I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
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Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on