Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
You Might Also Like
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.