Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
You Might Also Like
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
bears
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.