[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
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10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.