I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
You Might Also Like
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.