My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
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Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
I’ve been drinking.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.