Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
You Might Also Like
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal