I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
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Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*