Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
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My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
The news in a nutshell.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about