My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
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due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter