I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
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A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
rise and shine we got egg
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant