It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
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We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
The pasta is now
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go