“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
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“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.