[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
You Might Also Like
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
meanwhile over on facebook
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken