when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
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Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
The biggest mystery of our time
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.