my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
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HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
somebody come look at this
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough