Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
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My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge