Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
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It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
why would tinder want me to say this
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean