I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
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[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
This guy’s not having it 😆
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?