“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
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My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
new career option?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.