(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
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*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”