Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
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My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Why does laundry happen to good people?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
HOW DARE YOU
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*