Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
You Might Also Like
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
fixed it